8.29.2003
8.28.2003
Jillian is mad at me because I don't worry about her. Oh, wait...I worry about her all the goddamn time. In fact, she tells me that I worry about her too much.
Paradox? Looks like it.
Don't ask questions; getting answers (or half-answers, as the case may be) is the equivalent of opening Pandora's fucking Box.
Paradox? Looks like it.
Don't ask questions; getting answers (or half-answers, as the case may be) is the equivalent of opening Pandora's fucking Box.
8.25.2003
I met Jeff's girlfriend today. It's about time, really; they've been together for...oh...just over two years now, I think. She seemed like a nice girl. She's the opposite of me in every conceivable way - she's talkative, she's optimistic, she smiles a lot. (Randomness: I'm way hotter.) I was relieved to find that this girl knows who I am, at least a little; when Jeff introduced us she said that it was nice to finally meet me. So...she's heard about me. The question is, how much has she heard?
I felt really dirty standing there with them. They were holding hands and the only thing that occured to me was, "I had my tongue in your boyfriend's mouth four years ago. It was kind of gross. He wasn't quite so fat then." I really shouldn't have felt that way - dirty, I mean - because it was a million years ago. It didn't matter much at the time and it doesn't matter at all now. Jeff and I were both unattached and recovering from being dumped by long-term significant others at the time. It was an act of desperation. It's funny now. But still...I felt dirty. It's not the sort of behavior I engage in. Ever. (Except for that one time.)
If the girlfriend knows about what Jeff refers to as "the thing that happened", did she want to kill me this afternoon? Probably - and, if so, I understand. Whenever I was in the vicinity of John Henry's Mann twin, I wanted to kill her. That situation is quite analagous to my situation with Jeff, I think...John Henry had some random action with the Mann twin (though he got quite a bit more random action than I did...) during our year apart. The really creepy thing is that John Henry had the Mann twin on the exact same night that I made my mistake with Jeffrey - maybe even at the same time. It was Prom night in Rapids and V-Ball in Eau Claire. In fact, I think that I may have engaged in a tongue-raping with Jeff because I knew that John Henry was off with the Mann twin at that precise moment. (Which, I think, is a better excuse than John Henry's "it had been a while." Boys need to stop thinking with their dicks.)
Maybe I didn't just feel dirty because I was standing next to Jeff's girlfriend. I think it's quite probable that I was also feeling dirty about not telling Mr. Henry about the Jeffrey incident. I should have told him when he told me about the Mann twin, but I didn't. I'm not sure why...maybe I wanted to remain saintly. (Well...as far as santliness was possible.) Maybe I wanted him to feel guilty. I don't know. I guess I always figured that it wasn't worth mentioning since it was so insignificant.
Sig, the dirty girl. Interesting, huh?
I felt really dirty standing there with them. They were holding hands and the only thing that occured to me was, "I had my tongue in your boyfriend's mouth four years ago. It was kind of gross. He wasn't quite so fat then." I really shouldn't have felt that way - dirty, I mean - because it was a million years ago. It didn't matter much at the time and it doesn't matter at all now. Jeff and I were both unattached and recovering from being dumped by long-term significant others at the time. It was an act of desperation. It's funny now. But still...I felt dirty. It's not the sort of behavior I engage in. Ever. (Except for that one time.)
If the girlfriend knows about what Jeff refers to as "the thing that happened", did she want to kill me this afternoon? Probably - and, if so, I understand. Whenever I was in the vicinity of John Henry's Mann twin, I wanted to kill her. That situation is quite analagous to my situation with Jeff, I think...John Henry had some random action with the Mann twin (though he got quite a bit more random action than I did...) during our year apart. The really creepy thing is that John Henry had the Mann twin on the exact same night that I made my mistake with Jeffrey - maybe even at the same time. It was Prom night in Rapids and V-Ball in Eau Claire. In fact, I think that I may have engaged in a tongue-raping with Jeff because I knew that John Henry was off with the Mann twin at that precise moment. (Which, I think, is a better excuse than John Henry's "it had been a while." Boys need to stop thinking with their dicks.)
Maybe I didn't just feel dirty because I was standing next to Jeff's girlfriend. I think it's quite probable that I was also feeling dirty about not telling Mr. Henry about the Jeffrey incident. I should have told him when he told me about the Mann twin, but I didn't. I'm not sure why...maybe I wanted to remain saintly. (Well...as far as santliness was possible.) Maybe I wanted him to feel guilty. I don't know. I guess I always figured that it wasn't worth mentioning since it was so insignificant.
Sig, the dirty girl. Interesting, huh?
8.23.2003
8.22.2003
8.21.2003
I had a dream about that boy last night. We were together - we had apparently never broken up. Anyway, he was playing video games the whole time and I was watching him. Could that possibly have anything to do with the fact that Jillian and I recently hooked up the Nintendo, Super Nintendo, and Sega to the console TV we were using as a table? And if so, what does that boy have to do with anything?
Sadly, I don't even have time to get depressed over it or think it to death. I have to study for the fucking GRE. :(
Sadly, I don't even have time to get depressed over it or think it to death. I have to study for the fucking GRE. :(
8.18.2003
Oh, I posted some to my other blog using angelfire, so far they show up 'n everything (?) Anyways, I had a bout of fabulous luck early this afternoon...driving to Point, swatting at an annoying fly that was buzzing around...and the SMACK into the siderail, popped my tire, bent the frame, broke my car. God I hope this doesn't suck every last penny out of me, I don't have extra right now..I hope my dad understands that the accident wasn't totally my fault (and doesn't kill me)
It's not hard...you use the same image tags you'd use on your web page. The only difference is that you need to host the pictures somewhere other than Angelfire. I know that there are places that do free image hosting on the internet, I just don't know where they are; I use my mom and dad's wctc space. :) Some schools give people a little piece of the web...maybe UWSP is one of them?
Sig: Good. I hate it when people are pissed at me..unless they don't matter to me, or are total assholes. You don't fit into either of those categories. ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL MOVE-IN - Oh, Sig..one more thing - you need to show me how to put pictures into this baby ~
8.16.2003
Lauren: It's OK. I was having a nostalgic I-Miss-The-Boy moment; I have those every now and again. It passed. I was only mad at you for as long as it took to write that entry, and even then I wasn't actually mad at you...I was mad at one little thing you did a long-ass time ago. I have a tendency to over analyze things in the middle of the night and then wake up only to realize that I was crazy and emotional the night before. (In other words, I think too much. Big surprise, right?) Don't worry - I'm not mad, I don't hate you, etc. Hopefully you're not too terribly mad at me, either. :)
Jamie: You don't have to take that shit. Nobody has the right to grope you just because you've got tits. You don't go around grabbing dicks, and your co-workers shouldn't go arond grabbing boobs. It's not nice. If I thought it would do any good I'd encourage you to press charges for sexual harassment and all that jazz, but...it's Rapids. Nothing would come of it and you would be portrayed as the bitchy little tease stirring up trouble at Pasquales. So just quit. Fuck them.
P.S.: I'm going freelance too. Be a writer. You get to set your own hours and you don't have to answer to anybody...until you have an editor, and a publisher, and a deadline. Shit. Even the free aren't free. :(
Jamie: You don't have to take that shit. Nobody has the right to grope you just because you've got tits. You don't go around grabbing dicks, and your co-workers shouldn't go arond grabbing boobs. It's not nice. If I thought it would do any good I'd encourage you to press charges for sexual harassment and all that jazz, but...it's Rapids. Nothing would come of it and you would be portrayed as the bitchy little tease stirring up trouble at Pasquales. So just quit. Fuck them.
P.S.: I'm going freelance too. Be a writer. You get to set your own hours and you don't have to answer to anybody...until you have an editor, and a publisher, and a deadline. Shit. Even the free aren't free. :(
8.11.2003
I hate my job.
I wish I could have the sort of "I don't give a fuck" mentality that my sisters possess, but unfortunantly, I DO give a fuck and want to give a proper two-weeks notice just to secure a good recommendation, and my need for income makes me not do it sooner. I wish so badly that I'd just stop thinking with irrational rationality and would just scream "FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID, CRAZY, FUCKED-UP MOTHERFUCKERS, I QUIT!!!!!"
Last night Tom threatened me, telling me I'll lose my job just because he's pissed that I told him not to fucking put his hands on me and try to grope and grab and touch me. I guess my desire for my own personal rights as a human being is just too much to fucking ask. Meanwhile, its ok for him to call me a tramp, a whore, a slut, etc...all because boys come into the restaurant and spend money to see me. I mean, its gaining their fucking restaurant profit, but I guess it makes me a slut to have friends that are male.
So last night, after his little threat and after he told me how easy it would be to replace me, blah blah blah, I told him he's a fucking crazy, stupid motherfucker and ran to the bathroom and cried with hate and anger and feelings of powerlessness. I hate being subjected to abuse and expected to take it with a smile. I wanted so badly to walk out, to hit him, to punch him in the face and throw food all over him. I wanted so badly to stand up for myself, but I'm a fucking coyote with her foot caught...I don't think I like having a boss...I'm going freelance.
I wish I could have the sort of "I don't give a fuck" mentality that my sisters possess, but unfortunantly, I DO give a fuck and want to give a proper two-weeks notice just to secure a good recommendation, and my need for income makes me not do it sooner. I wish so badly that I'd just stop thinking with irrational rationality and would just scream "FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID, CRAZY, FUCKED-UP MOTHERFUCKERS, I QUIT!!!!!"
Last night Tom threatened me, telling me I'll lose my job just because he's pissed that I told him not to fucking put his hands on me and try to grope and grab and touch me. I guess my desire for my own personal rights as a human being is just too much to fucking ask. Meanwhile, its ok for him to call me a tramp, a whore, a slut, etc...all because boys come into the restaurant and spend money to see me. I mean, its gaining their fucking restaurant profit, but I guess it makes me a slut to have friends that are male.
So last night, after his little threat and after he told me how easy it would be to replace me, blah blah blah, I told him he's a fucking crazy, stupid motherfucker and ran to the bathroom and cried with hate and anger and feelings of powerlessness. I hate being subjected to abuse and expected to take it with a smile. I wanted so badly to walk out, to hit him, to punch him in the face and throw food all over him. I wanted so badly to stand up for myself, but I'm a fucking coyote with her foot caught...I don't think I like having a boss...I'm going freelance.
8.10.2003
I think it's about time that I post something onto this collective site of thoughts, emotions, and daily going-ons. I mean, considering I'm already on it several times, from the all-too-positive vantage of those who love me ;) Sorry for the sarcasm, I'm having an awkward week..unpleasant at best, mixed with brief moments of "i guess life doesn't completely suck" optimism. But it's been up and down for awhile now, so whatever.
Signe, why don't you ever talk to me about this shit? I'm sorry that I messed with your life for a week or two during high school, but it wasn't intentional and it wasn't done with malicious foresight. Why did I intensely hang out with JH for a few brief weeks between the boyfriends that littered my high school journey? That's easy enough, I needed a friend. I felt used and thrown out, rejected and cheated on... I needed someone I could trust, someone with whom I could forget about that silly relationship with Neil. Jamie was all busy with Nathan and I wanted to forge a new friendship, I didn't know that I would be stepping on toes by doing so, and I was too naive to realize that this sudden show of attention to him by me would make him think that I had romantic inclinations.
Why is it that just because you like hanging out with someone, talking to them, running around and just enjoying their company, that people assume you want them? Just because I'm single and not grossly disgusting doesn't mean that I want to get all up ons with you ~ maybe I just think you're kinda cool and way interesting and a bit unconventional? Maybe I just want to be your friend, christ, just because I've got a hooch and you've got a dick doesn't mean I can't think of you just as a friend, I loved being with my girls too and no one thought anything of *that* (i'm sure everyone can see the irony of all of this in the present light)
What I mean to say is this. Signe, I am sorry that I selfishly screwed you over in high school. Please don't think that I had any inkling of what I was doing, I am a lot more stupid than people give me credit for, I don't admit to that much. You ~ all of my girlz ~ are more important to me than anything in this world. You are my one constant, the only source of security (except inner) that I don't ever have to question, my refuge in this world of refuse. My own family can't even measure up to my girlz and their unconditional support (earmarked with sage advice that I usually ignore and regret ignoring later). I'm sorry, Siggypoo ...please forgive me?
Love,
Lauren
P.S. Life sucks. "ray of fucking sunshine"? I wish I could return to that state of ignorance - getting older..getting wiser..all of that really blows. Guess it's essential though, huh?
Signe, why don't you ever talk to me about this shit? I'm sorry that I messed with your life for a week or two during high school, but it wasn't intentional and it wasn't done with malicious foresight. Why did I intensely hang out with JH for a few brief weeks between the boyfriends that littered my high school journey? That's easy enough, I needed a friend. I felt used and thrown out, rejected and cheated on... I needed someone I could trust, someone with whom I could forget about that silly relationship with Neil. Jamie was all busy with Nathan and I wanted to forge a new friendship, I didn't know that I would be stepping on toes by doing so, and I was too naive to realize that this sudden show of attention to him by me would make him think that I had romantic inclinations.
Why is it that just because you like hanging out with someone, talking to them, running around and just enjoying their company, that people assume you want them? Just because I'm single and not grossly disgusting doesn't mean that I want to get all up ons with you ~ maybe I just think you're kinda cool and way interesting and a bit unconventional? Maybe I just want to be your friend, christ, just because I've got a hooch and you've got a dick doesn't mean I can't think of you just as a friend, I loved being with my girls too and no one thought anything of *that* (i'm sure everyone can see the irony of all of this in the present light)
What I mean to say is this. Signe, I am sorry that I selfishly screwed you over in high school. Please don't think that I had any inkling of what I was doing, I am a lot more stupid than people give me credit for, I don't admit to that much. You ~ all of my girlz ~ are more important to me than anything in this world. You are my one constant, the only source of security (except inner) that I don't ever have to question, my refuge in this world of refuse. My own family can't even measure up to my girlz and their unconditional support (earmarked with sage advice that I usually ignore and regret ignoring later). I'm sorry, Siggypoo ...please forgive me?
Love,
Lauren
P.S. Life sucks. "ray of fucking sunshine"? I wish I could return to that state of ignorance - getting older..getting wiser..all of that really blows. Guess it's essential though, huh?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
